Welcome Back, maybe

Wow, what on EARTH? I haven't even visited this site in four years or so and what, I have 36 followers. Maybe I should actually start writing something now. I am revisiting that idea. I got too busy having kids for awhile there. Now I have a new laptop and wham, I want to write. It's been building up and building up and building to... wait for it... another useless blog post. Ha!

Maybe not. I actually signed on to E Blogger to create a new blog, and maybe I still will, but I really didn't plan on using this one anymore. Maybe my poetic intuitions have taken a new identity. Maybe I am too much of a MOM now. Whatever it is, I think I need to escape to some words again. Facebook was a cheap substitute for awhile. I am tired of that now.

So I will think on this still, maybe a day or two, maybe another few years, lol. Think on keeping this blog, or using it, or giving it up officially forever. I'm not sure yet.

I should be napping

I am not planning on writing anything right now. Hm. Yet here i am. i, not I. i like to ignore rules of punctuation some times. it is the rebellious editor in me. so anyways. here i am rambling about nothing. i am tired. Analeigh is in the swing next to me. She has a lot to say right now, but i am not exactly sure what "aahguguuaaah" means yet... maybe Ariel will translate for me later. Ariel is napping like a good little girl... mommy should go nap now. "AAaaaahAAAA!" says Analeigh. She'll be five months old already this week. I already think of Ariel as 2, but she is really 21 months, so three months to go. I need to figure out a way to take away her "Soosie" (soother). Not looking forward to that day.... okay I'm going to sleep now.

Getting my words back?

I am starting to think that maybe, just maybe, after a year long absence from writing for the wrong reasons, I might, just might, be slowly getting my words back. I hope. I feel them bubbly in the background but that isn't to say that they'll disappear again. I miss my words. My creative writing, that is. I miss that. It used to be my world when I was a kid. I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. I'm still growing up in some ways...
I started out writing stories that I still have, unfinished, in binders in the basement. Sad. But the ideas are still alive. Then I wrote poems, because they were shorter and could be completed in a short session. What handicapped me as a writer, I think, was never learning to write outside of emotional outbursts. Maybe that is all I am seeing now - new outbursts, only expressed in words because it has been long enough since the last outburst. Or maybe, just maybe, I am slowly learning to write with my brain as well as my heart. Hm. Or maybe I am just having an outburst of some kind right now... hm.
oh i don't know what i am saying
still looking for those words
actually,
i think i have written poems about this before
i hope they are not lost
words
words words
this could be fun though, i think

Damn Insecurity

Sorry, I don't usually swear. Okay, I never swear. "Damn" is about as harsh a word as you'll ever hear from my mouth. But when you hear it, heads up. I am usually pretty upset. I am pretty upset about being so damn insecure. I guess it's kind of freeing to say that, too. I think I can say it now, as it's been nearly a year since the last post, and is anybody reading this anymore? I don't know if anyone ever was any way.
And there I go feeling insecure again. I guess nobody likes me. Oh stop right there! I know I know, there is nothing more lame than self pity. This is why I choose at this time to swear. Damn it all! I hate insecurity. I hate inhibitions. This after a day with people who I don't think really like me. Who would ever dare to admit that? ARGGGG I could say so much more but it probably would not benefit anyone, and I wish to honour God with my words so all I can say is... damn insecurity!!

Nearly a year. So we have another baby now, and she is beautiful. We are a happy little family. I just wish I could be a little more confident in myself. But motherhood is getting better with two, surprisingly, and much to my relief.

I will end with that.